Welcome back to another episode of Gillian’s opinion no one asked for! Today’s Topic: Halloween candy. Not just any Halloween candy, though; I’m talking about the worst of the worst, bottom of the barrel, sawdust-equivalent candy that anyone has ever tasted. And yes, if you like any of the candies, we absolutely cannot be friends.
5: Any Lollipop other than Tootsie Pops
Look, let’s be real. These crusty things are probably left over from Halloween ten years ago, and they DEFINITELY taste like it. If they can be found for free at a bank, then they don’t need to be found anywhere near Halloween. And Dum-Dums, you’re on thin ice.
4: Banana Laffy-Taffy
Has anyone who likes these ever had an ACTUAL banana before? Like, a legitimate banana fruit? Because I’m not sure that it’s possible to like these if you have. However, I understand that you can separate the candy from the fruit, so if that’s the case, my question remains: how on earth do you like these?
3: Crunch Bars
Okay, as far as being a candy goes, these are not horrible. I’ll give them that. Just simple chocolate with a bit of crunch, right? But, in the fourth grade, my teacher told me a story about how her sister once ate a crunch bar that was expired. She bit into it and thought everything was normal. That is, until she realized the crunch wasn’t coming from the actual Crunch bar, but rather, the MAGGOTS that had infested the expired crunch bar. She didn’t even realize until it was too late. They were on the bus, too, so she couldn’t even get water to rinse the maggots out of her mouth. Tell me you would eat another Crunch bar ever again after that.
No, I am not talking about the Burger King knock-off Big Mac. I am talking about those crusty, grimey, frankly nasty ‘chocolate candies.’ Alleged candies. If I had it my way, I’d wipe these things off the face of the Earth. I mean, I used to have to trade people to TAKE these from me. Like, ‘I’ll give you three Snickers if you take all my Whoppers.’ Imagine having to pay someone to take these away from you. I’d be ashamed of myself if I were the people who made Whoppers.
Let’s start with the obvious: they’re like the worse version of a Whoppers. Honestly, it’s kind of like an M&M and a Whopper had a baby, but the M&M and the Whopper were cousins, so the baby came out deformed. That enough should disqualify them from being a candy. Second, they’re completely irrelevant. I can’t imagine thinking ‘oh, I need to get Halloween candy from the store’ and then PURPOSELY choosing to buy these. Honestly, if you’re going to buy these, don’t even bother participating in Halloween. Ever. Again.